There are days (okay - weeks/months) where I do everything I can to firmly - adamantly - deny that I have MS & convince myself (and others) that the doctors, scans, & spinal taps were all WRONG. Yeah - well - at least I try. I sit here with the child-like mindset that if I keep my eyes averted - or covered - and I can't see it - well, with child-like wisdom - it just isn't there and doesn't exist. That would be about the gist of my existence over the last few months. I'm feeling better - joe-blow can't see any obvious problems (no cane, braces, etc.) - so I must not have MS, right? If only!
I have RRMS - and quite honestly, its the periods of when the disease is in remission that I am able to play my little ignoring game. When I have a relapse - well - there's no possibility to deny its existence. As of late summer, I've stopped taking all MS meds - much to my neuro's dismay. okay - and my husbands too. But if I am to be 100% honest with myself & everyone around me - I'm on zero meds and feel better now than I have in years - so restarting on drug is not something I'm agreeable to at all.
You know - as bad as this sounds (and I am prepared to be berated about it), sometimes I just wish that this dang disease would make up its freakin' mind - either go away for good - or get the show on the road. (I know I don't really mean that - but good grief - who likes not being in control of their own body- or even know what lies around the corner?) I don't like the uncertainty - I don't like not being in control. To me, its like driving a windy road in the dark without headlights - but that seems the be the nature of MS.
So - like any child, I over control the things in my life that I am able to - i.e. meds.
Yeah, yeah - its time to grow up - drugs are ordered and should be delivered next week - but for just a little while longer, I'm going to keep my eyes averted - or covered - and in my very child-like manner - just pretend that I don't have this disease... for a little while longer.
